Tuesday, 31 May 2011

A pair of douchebags

I should always trust my first instinct. A little voice told me to sit somewhere else, but I coveted the table space on a busy train so I could get a couple of hours in on a project with a deadline. There is a couple at my table who both need a punch.

The first clue should have been the fact that the guy is sucking on the girl's neck while calling her "mate". Whenever he is bored, which appears to be approximately every 40 seconds or so, he begins belting out the opening lines to The Lion King (you know the one... Laaaa helayla or something) in Scouse. His "mate" is popping her gum and giggling.

They had a war of blowing raspberries at each other and trying to steal each others' gum. He is wearing a button up shirt, waistcoat, and tie while complaining how hot he is. They have knocked into my feet and my computer at least 12 times.

Thank goodness they've left the train after only 26 minutes. Another 5 and there would have been sailors blushing at my response.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Office from hell

I think I've posted before about the horrible catty women (and one bloke) that spend an hour each morning vacillating between horrible management speak and talking tons of crap about everyone in their office who isn't present at that very second.

Last week, Train Buddy and I were subjected to a very loud and desperatly boring conversation about pregnancy that made it quite plain that these women were convinced they were the only people to have ever gone through it. They also seemed to be of the opinion that it was the most fascinating subject in the world for everyone nearby. It was even more excruciating than a previous conversation they had that contained the following terminology (I'm not making this up): Quality issue, expanding remit, systems and processes, quarterly report, feedback, involvement in the decision-making process, going forward.

But this morning, there was a tiny ray of sunshine. Apparently on Friday, they had been engaging in their customary shredding of co-workers. After sparing no one from their manicured claws, a man introduced himself. As their new boss.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Peed off

Why do I suddenly have to pay to pee at the station? Is my £4500 annual season pass not enough to cover a couple of scraps of loo roll? Perhaps the barriers could scan tickets instead. Then only heroin addicts who are going places will use them to shoot up.

Travelling Douchebag

Unfortunately, I didn't actually get to see the Travelling Douchebag in the flesh, but he was there nonetheless. After several minutes of idling outside a station, the conductor announcement came over the loudspeaker, "We apologise for the delay. This train will not be going anywhere until the passenger who is refusing to pay his fare does so or exits the train".

We were shortly on our way, so it appears that shaming a douchebag really is the way forward.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

This is not your living room

Oh my god, people. I know it's a long journey, and some of us spend more waking hours on this godforsaken train than we do with our families, but don't get too comfortable.

This morning, Train Buddy and I have been subjected to waves of the most horrendous stench. We can't pin down the actual culprit, but based on the time lapse between TB's facial contortions and mine, we know it's making it's way down the carriage from behind him. Based on the odor, I should be on the lookout for someone whose face is alternately green and then relieved.

The woman opposite is nicely decked out in a coordinating suit and shoes. And she is clipping her fingernails. Somehow, I think that is almost more repulsive than Mr Sneaky Flatulence.

Certain things should be done in a bathroom in private, or in front of a spouse who no longer has to find you attractive. I'm just waiting for the guy next to us to pop in a DVD and start scratching his balls and then the scenario will be complete.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011


"We apologise for the delayed service. This was due to some strange logistical decision by the signaler". Hoorah for honesty.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Train etiquette

It's totally acceptable to sleep on the train. As a matter of fact, I'm terribly jealous. However, sleepers should choose the polite option and sit by the window. This prevents the non-sleepers from being forced into unpleasant circumstances because we are trapped in our seats.

To illustrate this point, I'll let you have a peek into my inner monologue (don't be afraid) while being blockaded by a rather large man throwing a lot of body heat.

[Do I try to maneuver around your gargantuan mass to access my backpack overhead without bumping you, or try to find some other project that doesn't require the files located there? I've been up all night working, which means lots of coffee. Now I need to pee and there are 90 minutes left on this journey. How long shall I attempt to be polite and not wake you before I risk kidney damage? Oh damn. I've gotten up, and in the 2.5 minutes since I left, you've fallen back to sleep. Now I'm going to have to wake your hulking ass again to get back in my chair. Don't look so annoyed. If you'd have sat by the frigging window in the first place, I wouldn't be having this silent conversation with you and you'd still be snoring and drooling onto your tie].

What I actually said was more along the lines of, "Sorry" or "Excuse me" about five times. But we all know what it really meant.

Monday, 2 May 2011

I can see their point

I saw this story today about Argentinians getting so mad about train delays that they set a train alight and chucked the driver and ticket inspector off. I totally understand that sort of rage. However, I think a good swear and a cup of coffee while firing off a sarcastic blog post is about all the rage a gal can muster most mornings.