Travelling Douchebag

Unfortunately, I didn't actually get to see the Travelling Douchebag in the flesh, but he was there nonetheless. After several minutes of idling outside a station, the conductor announcement came over the loudspeaker, "We apologise for the delay. This train will not be going anywhere until the passenger who is refusing to pay his fare does so or exits the train".

We were shortly on our way, so it appears that shaming a douchebag really is the way forward.

This is not your living room

Oh my god, people. I know it's a long journey, and some of us spend more waking hours on this godforsaken train than we do with our families, but don't get too comfortable.

This morning, Train Buddy and I have been subjected to waves of the most horrendous stench. We can't pin down the actual culprit, but based on the time lapse between TB's facial contortions and mine, we know it's making it's way down the carriage from behind him. Based on the odor, I should be on the lookout for someone whose face is alternately green and then relieved.

The woman opposite is nicely decked out in a coordinating suit and shoes. And she is clipping her fingernails. Somehow, I think that is almost more repulsive than Mr Sneaky Flatulence.

Certain things should be done in a bathroom in private, or in front of a spouse who no longer has to find you attractive. I'm just waiting for the guy next to us to pop in a DVD and start scratching his balls and then the scenario will be complete.

Announcement

"We apologise for the delayed service. This was due to some strange logistical decision by the signaler". Hoorah for honesty.

Train etiquette

It's totally acceptable to sleep on the train. As a matter of fact, I'm terribly jealous. However, sleepers should choose the polite option and sit by the window. This prevents the non-sleepers from being forced into unpleasant circumstances because we are trapped in our seats.

To illustrate this point, I'll let you have a peek into my inner monologue (don't be afraid) while being blockaded by a rather large man throwing a lot of body heat.

[Do I try to maneuver around your gargantuan mass to access my backpack overhead without bumping you, or try to find some other project that doesn't require the files located there? I've been up all night working, which means lots of coffee. Now I need to pee and there are 90 minutes left on this journey. How long shall I attempt to be polite and not wake you before I risk kidney damage? Oh damn. I've gotten up, and in the 2.5 minutes since I left, you've fallen back to sleep. Now I'm going to have to wake your hulking ass again to get back in my chair. Don't look so annoyed. If you'd have sat by the frigging window in the first place, I wouldn't be having this silent conversation with you and you'd still be snoring and drooling onto your tie].

What I actually said was more along the lines of, "Sorry" or "Excuse me" about five times. But we all know what it really meant.

I can see their point

I saw this story today about Argentinians getting so mad about train delays that they set a train alight and chucked the driver and ticket inspector off. I totally understand that sort of rage. However, I think a good swear and a cup of coffee while firing off a sarcastic blog post is about all the rage a gal can muster most mornings.

The Earbud Avenger is back

On her first day back to the grinding commute, the Earbud Avenger has politely protected the ears and sanity of yet another trainload of passengers.

The offender was a man in his late 40s or early 50s blasting classic rock and trying to dress like Tony Hawk. As he plonked down his iPod, it wasn't even in his ears and the sound could be heard throughout the carriage. Surely he wouldn't put that many decibels directly in his ear canal? Oh but he did, eliciting nervous and perplexed giggles from the table full of teenage girls nearby. He thought he had pulled with his washed up rocker attitude.

When the capeless crusader asked him to turn it down, he looked genuinely surprised and asked, "What, really? Is it loud?". Maybe not to the deaf, sir.

On a related note, I've had several emails recently from friends taking up the mantel of the Earbud Avenger, and even a suggestion to make t-shirts and start a movement. Share your stories here or on Twitter with the hashtag #earbudavenger!

Off the rails

It may be that nobody has noticed, or perhaps you're all pleased for the peace and quiet, but I haven't been posting much lately. This is because I've been away in the US for several weeks and have not seen a train (except Chicago's EL, briefly) for over a month. I've been staying with friends in Florida, and have not seen one single example of public transportation. Part of me would like to say I've missed it, but a 15 minute drive to the lab and not an earbud to be avenged has it's advantages. Even the trip getting here was uneventful.

So, until my return to the evil commute of doom resumes sometime in April, this constant commuter will be quiet. Although we did have a taxi driver in Chicago that may or may not have a stash of dead bodies somewhere. More on that later, perhaps...